


No Ranchos

by mucasliller



Series: Spineless Boys [2]
Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Arachnophobia, Cockroaches, M/M, Mention of Character Death, arachnids, insects as pets, tarantulas - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-26
Updated: 2018-02-26
Packaged: 2019-03-24 06:16:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,248
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13805190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mucasliller/pseuds/mucasliller
Summary: "I hate them so much. I hate spiders, small to big. I hate the way they move, I hate the legs, I HATE the fur."You know who else hates tarantulas? Magnus Burnside. You know who loves tarantulas? Lucas Miller.





	No Ranchos

**Author's Note:**

> Did somebody ask for a Magcas series? Not nearly enough of ya'll. Again, this involves insects, and heavily features tarantulas. Please read as advised.

For Magnus it began as an escape, an opportunity to fill his lungs with some well missed fresh air, not the artificial stuff they pumped through the moonbase. A departure from the perpetual chaos that was quickly becoming his norm as one of the Bureau’s Grand Relic reclaimers. 

They’d already retrieved two of them now, the Phoenix Fire Gauntlet and the Oculus, with no inclination of slowing down. Magnus didn’t want to slow down, knowing that every day these wretched artifacts remained in the world the more danger they posed on everyone else. 

But, well, everybody needed a break sometimes. And more often than not his were taken in a levitating science lab, with the eccentric planar researcher Lucas Miller. 

A part of him was simply curious too. It was hard not to be intrigued by Lucas, a man seemingly determined to fill every available inch of his home with the creepiest creatures of all of Faerun. 

Insects. _Critters._ Beasts with wings and scales and many, many legs. With things like exoskeletons and antenna and _molt seasons._ Magnus had picked up quickly that Lucas didn’t discriminate; If it was small, spineless and largely unsettling to the general population he _loved_ it, and probably had a dozen scattered across his lab.

It was strange.  
And even stranger, Magnus was getting use to them too. 

Today he sat snugly in a roller chair too small for his frame, his arm held out and gently turned as an orchid mantis crawled across the bronze surface. He only half-listened as the scientist talked, more focused on making sure his new little friend didn’t run off his arm like a dog on the moon. But he _was_ listening, and even glanced up on occasion, catching Lucas in whatever conversational gesture he was making at the time.

Last he’d been scribbling at the chalkboard, but now he sat atop his filthy desk, a weathered old journal turned rapidly until he found what he’d been looking for. “Ah ha! _There._ Yeah, I’m tellin’ you, it really doesn’t happen as much as people think.”

Magnus blinked, knowing that he’d missed something, and wasn’t willing to play the guessing game on what. “Wait, what doesn’t happen?”

“They decapitate the male and cannibalize him.” Lucas smirked from his perch, one leg clad in horrendous plaid crossed over another. “But I suppose once in a while is _still_ pretty high, depending on whose perspective you’re looking at.”

“Uh. Yeah. I don’t really think _I’d_ like those odds.” Warm brown eyes lowered to the colorful creature sitting on his knuckles. “Even for such a pretty lady.”

Magnus heard a soft snort from across the cluttered space, the sound of papers falling as Lucas scooted off his desk to scoop up the insect off his hand. “Maybe they like the rush. Don’t kinkshame them. But did you _know_ some insects can actually _survive_ without their heads? Like cockroaches! Not that I would ever try it, that’s cruel, but it’s true. You see they’ve got these things called _spiracles,_ these little holes in their bodies, and they can--”

And thus the cycle continued again.

A wash, rinse and repeat of Lucas babbling and Magnus listening with as much attentiveness as he could offer, until something inevitably sparked the research to fish around his lab for some new, shiny invertebrate to show off to his companion. 

And for the most part, Magnus was perfectly fine with this. 

With one major exception. 

One creature that, no matter _how_ much Lucas begged or whined or gushed over, Magnus was simply _not_ going to touch. Or look at. Or even breath near. He’d soon rather jump out of the nearest fucking window, regardless of whether or not the lab was levitating. A creature that made touching Lucas’ cockroach Theodore like petting a golden retriever. 

And goddess help him, he’d told the scientist this the very first day he’d stepped into his lab, as though Lucas would be merciful to his deeply entrenched phobia. A Fool’s Mistake. 

Because, as Istus would have it, Lucas Miller fucking _adored_ tarantulas. And like every other insect known to mortals, he wanted Magnus Burnside to adore them too. 

There didn’t seem to be many within the expansive lab, although it was hard for Magnus to determine between the juxtaposition of trash piles and the many well cleaned habitats. But there was one he fawned over almost as much as Theodore, and especially when Magnus came to visit. For _some_ reason. She was a shimmery blue specimen, with an iridescent sheen reminiscent of peacock feathers. It _was_ a beautiful color, Magnus agreed, painfully _wasted_ on the arachnid. 

Her name was Cleo. A Greenbottle Blue, or something. Magnus wasn’t really sure, he could never really hear Lucas once his heart started drumming in his ears. Kinda like right now, as the researcher began his telltale sidestep toward the large glass tank. 

“I won’t try to make you touch her this time. Scout’s Honor.” Lucas assured, brandishing a toothy grin that offered little comfort. _Like you were a Scout,_ Magnus groused internally. He was by no means a genius, but it didn’t take a genius to see a pattern. 

This was how it always happened. Lucas would promise him that he was _only_ letting Cleo out for some air, when in truth he was just biding time, waiting for the fighter’s defenses were lowered before _BAM!_

Lucas tried to get him to touch her. Just _once._ But Magnus wasn’t having it today. He wasn’t going to _give_ Lucas the chance to get the drop on him. 

“So, uh, hey…? I’ve been... wondering.” The reclaimer began, determined to seize the conversation before it centered on the massive insect. “So like, what even got you into these things in the first place. I mean like bugs, in general. Like Theodore. Are you researching them…?”

It was surprisingly effective, as the scientist’s brows rose with surprise. And something else was there, too. A familiarity Magnus couldn’t immediately place, an air of reluctance that seeped into resignment. Lucas glanced down at the spider in his hand, a fingertip slowly brushed across her furry abdomen. 

“Uh, nah, my research is on the planar system. And… other stuff.” _Personal stuff._ “Insects are just a hobby.” Using the toe of his croc Lucas pried open a mini fridge below, plucking out a hefty container of crickets. He dropped big, juicy morsel into the spider’s habitat for later. For being _such_ a good girl. 

The lid snapped shut Lucas turned back on his heel and shrugged, wearing the best smile he could manage, his baggy sleeves falling past his elbows. “What can I say, my ex got me into ‘em. Most of them were his, actually. But Cleo was his baby.”

“Oh. Uh, yeah?”

It was obviously not the answer Mangus anticipated, guilty of having never really considered _that_ aspect of the scientist’s life. Like, Lucas with somebody. Sharing a life with them. A very bug filled life. “So then what, you got custody rights when you two split or something?”

Wrong question. _Stupid_ question. Lucas didn’t drop his smile, but Magnus watched the way his enthusiasm faded, his eyes darkening behind smudged lenses. 

“Not uh... not exactly.” 

Lucas didn’t sound upset, because he wasn’t. Magnus simply hadn’t known. He was still relatively new to the Bureau, and there simply weren’t many people still employed who’d known and _cared_ enough about the elf enough to reminisce. In truth, with only four months together, Lucas still wasn’t sure how much _he’d_ cared. 

Enough to miss the other, certainly. Even mourn for a time. But that time had very much come and gone Lucas simply didn’t have the investment, or the time, to remain choked up about it. 

“He’s dead.” 

Short and brief, a fact stated simply as any other. Lucas shrugged once more for good measure, doing what he could to reassure the reclaimer that he was fine. Fine and _very_ much ready to move past their current conversation. 

Before Magnus figured it out, and shit got _really_ awkward. 

“It’s cool, really, we were only together a few months. But, as I’m sure would shock you, nobody else wanted to take these poor guys in, soooo I did it and... here we are.” 

But even still, despite his best attempt at comfort, Magnus was still taking the news harder than the researcher wanted. His whole body crumbled into his backrest, starring wide for reasons other than the spider. “Holy shit Lucas I’m… I’m so sorry. Even if you weren’t together long it’s still… I know it’s hard losing people.” 

“Magnus, I appreciate the sentiment but it is what it is, ya know? People die here pretty fast, if Lucretia’s whack ass hazing ritual didn’t make that obvious.” “Lucretia?” “The Director. Don’t,” Lucas winced, “Don’t... tell her I told you that she’s… protective. Oh her name. But, seriously, it’s okay. He kinda brought it on himself, honestly. But uh, yeah, what were we talking about?”

Magnus didn’t know how to respond, taken back by the scientist’s directness, how he spoke of his deceased lover. Who loved spiders. Who worked for the Bureau. Who, apparently, brought his demise upon himself…?

…. Wait.

_“Lucas.”_ Magnus gasped so sharply it made the other man flinch, his gaze hardening like stone on the researcher. “Was your boyfriend fucking _Magic Brian?”_

Lucas said nothing at first, but his expression said it all, like a green-eared recruit staring down one of Avi’s canons for the first time. “Uh,” a breathless giggle, a nervous impulse the man was too anxious to resist, “Actually _I_ was fucking Brian, but uh--” 

“Oh my god you dated Magic Brian. We killed Magic Brian. _Holy shit.”_ Magnus wheezed, clutching the front of his chest, quickly spiraling into the depths of absolute horror. “We killed him. We killed your boyfriend. _I_ killed him--”

_“Magnus.”_

His own sharpness reflected back at him, blunt nails suddenly piercing through his shirt and shaking him by the shoulders. Magnus blinked, finding Lucas hovering over him in the present, his tarantula placed safety back in her little glass home. He didn’t know _how_ the scientist moved so fast, only that he had and was now in Magnus’ personal bubble. 

“Dude, seriously, stop. I said it was okay, because it is. Like, do you _honestly_ think I’d be hanging out with you if it wasn’t? Come on...”

Rationally no, Magnus doubted Lucas would waste his time on anyone he resented, or even remotely disliked. But the lens through which he viewed his own shortcomings was less than unbiased. Magnus hadn’t thought twice about killing a treacherous thief, hellbent on murdering Killian and the rest of them. He hadn’t cared. 

But he cared about killing someone’s partner. _Lucas’_ partner.  
Even if Lucas didn’t care himself. 

“Fuck I... know I can’t make it up to you but I should... I _want_ to do something.” Words fell heavily from his lips, weights that threatened to pull him deeper into the abyss, but still he pushed himself to meet the researcher's eyes. “I owe you, even if you weren’t together long, because you _were_ together and now you’re not because of me.” 

His words struck Lucas in ways he hadn’t expected, his gaze soft and thoughtful as he studied the man who’d given him more companionship through the last three weeks than most of the Bureau ever had. With one obvious exception. “That’s… really sweet of you Magnus,” he sighed, hands gave a lingering squeeze to the broad shoulders before pulling away. “But you’re wrong. _Brian_ is the reason we’re not together anymore.”

Lucas stuffed his hands back into his lab coat, his thumb gently stroking across the polished back of the pet cockroach that practically lived there. “Or I guess it’s the Relic’s fault. Got too close to the sun, ya know? Wax wings and all that…” 

And, if he were to be honest, Lucas didn’t really blame Brian for it either. He’d read about the the Relics through the Bureau’s database, in his mother’s notes. The power they possessed was tempting beyond measure. Any one of then would have been swayed. 

Minus the man sitting in front of him.

“So, seriously, please don’t be hard on yourself? And like, you’ve been hanging out with me for weeks, so… you’ve done a lot,” he mumbled, trailing off into a soft mumble the reclaimer barely heard. 

“But I’ve just been sitting here letting you talk.” He countered, though that only widened the scientist’s smile. “That’s a lot for me, man...”

And Magnus believed him, believed in the earnest eyes that stared into him, believed in the sincerity of his voice. But that didn’t mean it was enough.

“... I wanna touch her.” The words fell out suddenly, pushed out to bring them to existence before the fighter changed his mind. So fast that Lucas wasn’t certain what he’d heard. “I’m… sorry?”

“Your spider. _His_ spider. Cleo. I wanna touch her. I want to give her a chance. _One chance.”_ Magnus clarified quickly, extending one trembling finger between the two of them. He knew his fear was apparent by the way Lucas looked at him, his face soaked with hesitance.

“Magnus, you _really_ don’t have to. I mean yeah I _want_ you to, but you’re obviously terrified…”

But Magnus only shook his head, hard and feverishly despite how right the scientist was. “I won’t hurt her! I didn’t hurt Theodore, remember? I promise, I can do this!” He watched Lucas raise his hands, to assure him that he didn’t have to, and without a thought he grasped them with his own. Encased them with warmth, with massive palms and rough, calloused fingers. He watched Lucas’ lips fall open and release a soft, strangled breath. He just returned it with a smile and a warm gaze as firm as the squeeze he offered.

“Lucas, please. Let me do this. You care about her, and maybe I can’t care about her the same way but… I _should _at least try once. Please let me...?”__

__Lucas still didn’t say anything, because he couldn’t. He couldn’t do anything but stare and unconsciously soak up the warmth he’d missed more than he would ever admit. “Only if you’re sure,” he whispered, licking chapped lips as a means to delay. To perhaps keep those hands around his own for just a moment longer. “Uh, how about I let her crawl across your hand...? It’ll only be for a few seconds.”_ _

__It was reasonable, as Magnus reminded himself that it was _his_ proposition in the first place. He focused on that, on the part of himself that wasn’t completely terrified, that was determined to make some semblance of amends._ _

__Even still he was reluctant to release the scientist’s hands, because the second he did they were going to do this for real. It wasn’t going to be a suggestion. He was going to touch a spider._ _

__But as the seconds rolled by and Lucas made no effort to pull away Magnus took the jump, bashful as he curled his hands back in his lap. “S-sorry,” he laughed, rubbing his palms as he watched Lucas stuff his own back in his pockets, cheeks stained red as he scurried off to fetch the blue arachnid. “Guess I can’t really stop being… nervous.”_ _

__And especially not when Magnus watched her being scooped up from her home. Cleo. A tarantula. Massive, furry, and blue. A shaky breath was sucked through clenched teeth, the fighter’s back leaning deep into the chair he scooted back to Lucas’ desk. Most of the surface was still covered with trash, but there was just enough space to rest his hand on the surface. His trembling, clammy hand. “Guess I’m ready whenever you are...?”_ _

__From across the space Lucas smiled, his face still flushed but eyes gentle as he approached again, one hand cupped protectively over the tarantula in his palm._ _

__“Are you sure? Like, _super_ fucking sure?”_ _

__“Honestly, not really, but if we don’t do it now I’m either gonna jump out the window or fucking pass out.” Magnus tried on a laugh to help ease the tension, filling the massive lab with a noise above the mechanical hums and chirps of crickets._ _

__But mostly he just sounded nervous, and that only worsened Lucas’ concern. So Magnus opted for earnesty instead, his eyes somber and determined. “I swear I won’t hurt her, Lucas. You have my word.”_ _

__“I… I believe you.” Lucas responded, with a hitch in his voice he quickly fought to swallow, his hand rising to reveal the gorgeous spider. He believed the reclaimer’s words, though they still surprised him. That Magnus wanted to do this. For him. _Oh… oh boy.__ _

__“O-okay.” The squawk was back in full force, but hopefully Magnus was too caught up in his own nerves to notice. Lucas approached the edge of his desk, and with a slow and steady hand he lowered the arachnid, hovering her just above the fighter’s massive hand. His other rested palm up on the other side, her personal elevator for when she crossed._ _

__“This is it.” His voice was soft, nearly a whisper. “She’s just going to walk across, okay? I’ll pick her back up as soon as she’s done.”_ _

__So close he could hear Magnus breathing, could hear the sharp intake of air accompanied by an equally sharp nod. The reclaimer opted to close his eyes, a move that both grounded him and saved Lucas the embarrassment of the other seeing his goofy smile as Cleo finally stepped onto sun-kissed skin._ _

__“Okay, she’s starting to move, just relax,” Lucas chewed the inside of his cheeks, unable to help himself, “Doctor’s orders.”_ _

__Magnus snorted, reflecting the scientist’s grin despite his eyes staying closed. “Shut up, do you even _have_ a degree…?” _ _

__But his gentle chastising faded as he felt the fuzzy little legs, the shockingly light body moving across his skin. Magnus continued to breath, trying not to think too hard about what was touching him. It wasn’t as bad as he’d thought, but it wasn’t like Theodore, the charming little cockroach that had easily won his heart. It was _very_ different. _ _

__It wasn’t pleasant, and it wasn’t horrible. It was tolerable, for as long as it took the tarantula to crawl away, immediately scooped away by her doting father as promised._ _

__And then Magnus could breathe again. He did it. He hadn’t loved it, but he hadn’t flung her off or punched Lucas in the nose. He felt accomplished. His eyes flung open to the scientist smiling back at him, eyes glimmering underneath the fluorescent lights._ _

__“Good job.” He mused, hovering just a foot away, fondness and a touch of anxiety in his expression. Like there was more he wanted to say. And Magnus waited for it, oblivious to whatever tension the scientist eventually succumbed to, clearing his throat as he backed away._ _

__“Thanks for giving her a chance. It uh, meant a lot. I promise I won’t try to get you to do it again.”_ _

__“Oh trust me, I’ll kick your ass if you try.” The fighter plopped back happily against his chair, feeling lighter than he had in weeks. “Can I uh, hold Theodore though? Is he in your pocket?”_ _

__Lucas immediately rewarded his request, passing along the cockroach from his pocket to the fighter’s open hands. Lips curled back in a warm smile as he turned his back to tuck Cleo away, his heartbeat drumming in his ears._ _

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr @mucasliller


End file.
